Thursday, January 10, 2008

You Have To Stop Sometime

Okay, I admit it: I'm jealous of Keri.

Of Keri's pregnancy, I mean.

And not a lot jealous, just a little. Still, it's crazy: I never imagined myself with five kids, and I probably wouldn't have chosen to have five kids if it weren't for the twins, and I'm not planning on having any more kids (but I am on the same Depo shot that Keri was on, so who knows?), so what do I have to be jealous about?

I guess it's because pregnancy is such an exciting time, so full of potential. You walk around filled with purpose. I mean, giving someone the chance to experience life - there can't be a greater mitzvah than that. I understand why some couples choose to have eight or ten or twelve kids. You see the kids you have and you think, what if I had stopped having kids before this last one was born? What a tremendous loss that would have been! And just think of the other miracles that will never be born if we stop now! It's kind of addictive in a way. Who knows - if it weren't for all the extra issues involved with parenting an autistic child, compounded by my fear of having another child with autism, maybe Andy and I would have had a couple more kids.

I'm sure my jealousy also has something to do with the fact that I'm now in a different stage of life, a later stage. I'm no longer in my childbearing years, but my child rearing years. And naturally that makes me feel old.

But I really am only a little jealous. Babies are a lot of work, with not so much payoff at first. I'm enjoying the twins much more, for example, now that they're exerting their little wills and running to wrap themselves around my legs and laughing, "Iwa mo" (translation: I want more; at least, that's our interpretation) when I cover their necks with kisses. And I'm glad at the direction my life is taking. I'm writing more than I've been able to in a long time (and getting paid for it) and I'm faster and stronger than I've ever been - just ran a 5K in under 26 minutes, and I couldn't do anywhere close to that when I was ten years younger, with a childless woman's body.

Still, I'm sure I'll feel a pang when I hold tiny Molly for the first time . . .

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